The Social Media Trap

During a recent Winter, I finally had a chance to do something I had wanted to do for several years: Take a friend of mine skiing. I go every few years, sometimes more than once, but they had never been.

Every time I tried to convince them, a barrage of excuses came out. “I don’t know how”, “Isn’t it dangerous?”, “I can’t afford it”, etc. The truth was just that they thought going skiing was something wealthy fancy sporty people did, and they don’t consider themselves to be in that category. Put simply: People like them don’t go skiing.

This all changed one Winter when some of their other less wealthy friends posted photos of themselves skiing. Suddenly my friend was envious of them, even though they hadn’t been envious of me – because now they saw skiing as something “people like them” could reasonably do.

“How come I can’t go skiing?”, they asked. “You can”, I answered. They protested that they wouldn’t even know where to start, so i said “Okay, it’s more fun as a group, so I’ll invite someone else, and you invite someone else, and we’ll all go” together. I’ll pick the location, and plan the trip”. – so we did.

When we went on the trip, the result was very predictable. I have been skiing with first-timers many times, so I knew the pattern. They fall down every few meters for the first half of the day, and complain constantly that it’s cold and they will never get the hang of it. By the early afternoon they start being able to make it a few dozen meters, and by the late afternoon they can do hundreds of meters at a time. They gain confidence, stop falling so much, and warm up from all the exercise. They start to have fun, and when it’s time to close, they say “But I don’t want to go yet! When can we come back?”

In this particular case, social media was a positive force, because it pushed someone out of their comfort zone and got them to try something new – but sadly it’s often the case that it ends in envy, jealousy, or causes them to spend money they shouldn’t.

Luckily, the friend mentioned here is not to easily swayed by such things, and the skiing was an exception. When people post photos of their fancy new coat that costs more than their monthly salary, my friend doesn’t plop down their credit card to copy this behavior.

Likewise, when their friends post photos of trips to Paris of Dubai, my friend doesn’t immediately book a plane ticket. They do, however, feel a quiet sense of “people like me can’t do that”, and have some mild disappointment.

To me, that alone is enough reason to stay off of social media. For people who are persuaded to spend money they shouldn’t, staying off social media is even more important.

I am not saying you should never use social media – just that perhaps you should consider using it with a purpose.

For example, I have accounts on Instagram and Twitter, but I have completely turned off all notifications. The apps don’t draw me in. If I want to check something specific, I open the app, search for it, and then close the app. I may not open it again for a few weeks or months.

Social media apps like Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter – even LinkedIn, typically use the one-to-many model. One person makes a post, and many people see it. To me, this means that the posts aren’t actually meant for me.

After all, there is a big difference between a person absent-mindedly posting photos from a recent BBQ or beach trip to Facebook for all of their “friends” to see, versus them sending the photos to me.

If they are really my friend, and they care about me seeing the photos, they can send them to be directly via email, Line, or SMS. That may sound old-school, but that’s what real communication is.

More to the point, if someone I actually know personally is having a conversation directly with me, then it will probably include things like “I saved up for 2 years to go on this trip to Paris” or “I bought this expensive coat instead of going on vacation this year”, etc. People don’t tend to post those kinds of things when they are posting to the world at large.

Then there is the simple math of the situation. Even assuming you only “friend” your actual real-life friends on social media, you might have 20 or more people you met on the job, in school, or through other friends. Just like having the same birthday as someone else in a group is not that uncommon, if you have 20 people on your feed who all take a vacation or buy something expensive once every two years, you will see something like that on your feed almost every month. That can lead to the false impression that people are doing these things monthly when in fact they aren’t. Now add in the 300 or so “friends” that you don’t really know well, and it can feel like people are going on overseas trips or buying luxury goods every day of every week. Sure, someone is, but with hundreds of connections, of course they are.

Now add in the fact that the business model of almost all social media apps and sites is based on advertising, and it becomes clear that their main goal is to monetize your fear of missing out.

The other thing to note is that people don’t tend to be as open about the negative things going on in their life, or even the every day happenings.

People might post when they buy that Gucci bag, but they don’t usually post a photo of their credit card bill when it arrives. They don’t post about how they are eating cup ramen and moyashi for the next month to make up for spending money they didn’t have on a bag they didn’t need. Most people don’t post photos of their neighborhood with a caption saying “No vacation for me”. Much like the news focuses mostly on negative stories, social media focuses mainly on positive ones.

So what you see is to a large extent lavish spending, and it can make some people start to believe that it’s normal and everyone is doing it all the time. Then you might start to think “Hey, everyone else is doing it, why can’t I?”

I’ve seen the same phenomenon offline in fancy bars. There are some customers who are out drinking every night of the week, paying an average bill of $100 or more. If you see numerous people doing this, you might start to think it’s normal – but it isn’t. Most people don’t spend $3000 a month on drinking at fancy bars. Many of the people who do are CEOs of small businesses or wealthy retirees – and you shouldn’t try to copy them if you don’t have the same means.

Given that these facts should be pretty much common knowledge by now, why subject yourself to this? Yes, we all craze human connection, but much of what happens on so called “social media” is not really that. Watching people you don’t even know well brag about where they have been or what they have bought is not really legitimate social connection.

Obviously I can’t tell you what to do, however I can make some recommendations.

1. Turn off notifications on your social media apps.
2. Open them only when you want to check something specific. Check it, and then get out.
3. Pare your friends down to your real, actual friends.
4. Use an app like Nora or something like Revanced to reduce or remove ads.
5. Let your friends know you don’t check social media much and encourage your friends to contact you via 1 on 1 methods.